Hey. I wish you didn’t have to go, I let you know constantly how much I cared about and loved you. You meant the whole entire world to me. More than that even. I knew you were in pain. I knew you were suffering. I didn’t want you to suffer any longer but I also wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
I’m terrible at goodbyes. You know that.
I put all my problems aside to focus on you. I just wanted you to be happy, That’s all I ever wanted. You didn’t deserve anything that happened. I felt bad for flipping out when you didn’t text back for longer than an hour, I worried about you so much I was always scared something would happen. I didn’t think something would actually happen. I wanted to stop you. Tears streaming down my face. Spam texting you. I called you 47 times and you didn’t answer.
“Don’t worry. I’m happy now. Thank you for all you’ve done. Take care of yourself.”
That was it.
I eventually stopped calling you. I stopped texting you. I threw my phone down screaming. It’s my fault. I didn’t try hard enough, I miss you so much. It’s hard to miss someone who you know isn’t coming back. You can’t do anything about it. It’s been over a year and it still doesn’t feel real. I keep convincing myself that it’s all a really bad nightmare and I’ll wakeup. I still check my phone every hour to see if you’d ever text or call me back. You won’t.
I’m trying to move on. I started talking to someone else and we’re seeing each other now. I’m slowly moving on. He makes me so f—ing happy. You would’ve loved him. I’m getting happier. I finally started focusing on myself more and my own mental and physical health. I wish you didn’t have to go.
Natalie wrote this letter to her friend. She wanted to add this message: To anybody struggling, please reach out. You may end your pain but you just pass it on to someone else. Please stay trust me it will all be worth it someday.
If you or someone you know needs this, the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. Or text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.