My first memory of you was when you were flying me on your feet. You are laying on the shag carpet on your back and you are wiggling your bare toes under my belly as your legs fly me around. You are holding my sides with your hands and they feel tight on me. You are laughing and I am laughing and Jilly is crying because she wants a turn.
Then I remember you and mom fighting. I remember you yelling and slamming the screen door. You wanted to be alone, but I tried to go outside and sit next to you. You would let me sit next to you if I didn’t talk. Mom would yell at me to come inside after a while and I did because I was afraid not to. I hated you and mom fighting.
When you moved out and said goodbye it was hard. I knew why you and mom were getting divorced. I knew your drinking had gotten bad and that you didn’t work all the time and that mom didn’t love you any more. But I didn’t care. I didn’t want you to leave because I still loved you.
For a while Jilly and I had two houses. You always said
we were lucky because we had two houses to live in and most kids only have one. But then you didn’t have your house and then we stopped visiting and you stopped calling.
But I still loved you.
Now my last memory of you is when mom called me at Jilly and Tom’s house and she told me you passed away. She sounded so tired, but she wasn’t crying. I guess I was too stunned to cry, too. I wish I could just cry and cry, but I can’t get it all out. I knew this would happen. In my heart I knew one day the drinking would get you. But I always hoped you would get the better of it. I guess I was wrong.
I will miss you. Even though I haven’t seen you in a while, I know I will miss you. I will hold you close to my heart. I will remember the daddy that used to fly me on his feet. I will forget the hard times and remember the good times.
It’s Father’s Day and I want you to know that I still love you.